As a person who struggles with anxiety, and has for most of my life, I oftentimes find myself relying on “having it all together” or thinking “okay, what do I do now”, even in situations where I may be powerless. Instead of relying on God to provide and make a way, I attempt to run ahead of Him and make my own way. Ultimately, this way leads me to more mistakes, more stress, and simply being burned out from constantly trying to think two or three steps ahead.
You might be thinking, Anthony, if you know that trying to make your own way and attempting to "have it all together" leads to a not-so-great outcome, why do you keep trying to do it on your own?
I try to identify when I am beginning to wander out on my own, but I also struggle with that. I think that response comes from my battle with anxiety. There's the need to feel like I am in control of a situation or thinking ahead of every possible situation or outcome. But what do you do when a situation you didn't prepare for and isn't even on your radar happens?
This past week, my wife, Holly, and I were visiting family out of town for my birthday. It was time for us to head back home and we stopped at a gas station to fill up. When we tried to turn her car back on, it wouldn't start.
I felt pretty hopeless in that moment because we had talked about buying her a new car previously but decided we needed to wait for a while, continue saving, and buy one later. Of course, I also started trying to think ahead, thinking of what I could do to make it better, how I could fix it, and countless other thoughts that were all about what I needed to do.
Fast forward a couple of days, and we had two huge blessings that I can only describe as God providing, and we were able to get Holly a new car.
As I look back on the situation as a whole, God revealed to me my lesson, once again, is you don’t have to have it all together or know your next move, only to wait and trust in Him.